Lemonade that’s not so sweet

I am not sure where to go with this honestly.

Life has not always been the easiest and I can’t really recall a time when I was “truly happy”. Times have always been tough along with the never ending worry of food, a roof, and abuse. I was always pledged with something to worry about.

Even now as a twenty-two year old young adult, my life is still filled with worry, suffering, and abuse – though it is of the mental and emotional rather than physical.

Currently I am without a job and have been for quite sometime now. I’ve been applying to jobs for over a year with no luck and when I do snag something they pay basically nothing and combo it with little to no hours.

Struggling to keep rent paid while living with another person is not easy. While you’re lazing around the house applying to jobs, making phones calls and never hearing back – that person is working long hours, paying all the bills, and doing everything else as well.

I cannot go back to school because I do not have a proper job and that is about the only thing stopping me , not having a source of income. The person I am living (whom I signed the lease with back when I had a decent job) is keeping us feed, bills paid, and other miscellaneous tasks. Their is always angry with me for not having a job and helping.

Nobody will hire me.

No matter how many jobs I apply to or interviews I waste their money going to, no one will hire me on and let me work, so I am stuck in a cycle of financial instability.

Not only that, I tried going back to school after I obtain a crappy paying job, but the person I live with got mad and said, “it’s unfair of you to try and go to school when I am working so hard and can’t go.”

It’s hard to live life without a degree or at least some certificates, so the quicker I can get back in school the better.

I have no skills, money, connections, good background, or anything. How is someone like that suppose to find good work to live on? When am I going finish school and get into a career? or have a better chance at starting my own line of work?

I cannot do anything like this and getting into an apartment when I knew I was not ready only made my life harder than it is already.

My love for Japan, the comforting feelings of seeing YouTubers live there enjoying life the way I want is what keeps me waking up and hoping I can find a job – the moment I obtain a decent enough job I am gonna be right back in school while working on my blog and nobody is gonna stop me or change my course ever again.

All I have are my dreams, my love for anime, and my desire of living and working in Japan.

I know I have made a lot of mistakes in my life so far. I have changed a lot of what I did or wanted to do because of others, I have done nothing but lean on other people, and I have not really depended on myself for anything.

I have to admit it, but I have no clue as to what I could accomplish on my own and have still yet to figured out who I am as a person. I battle with myself everyday to piece together my mind and soul just to make some sort of sense of who I am and what I truly believe in.

This inner battle of self-discovery is tiring work, but I know for a fact that if I stay like this I’ll never figure it out.

I’ve always wished I could have help.

Someone who could guide me and help me gain skills. Show me the ropes and maybe even help me gain a few connections, but this is just wishful thinking. I know a person (by normal means) must show their “worth” in order to start achieving their goals and gaining help.

I just need a job – as long as it has good enough pay with decent hours, I would get out of this apartment and just focus on school. I am not in a good positing to be worrying about bills, rent, or throwing myself into more debt just to keep a roof over my head or to please others.

Having fun, playing games, getting what I want can all wait until I get into Japan.

I just need to get a decent enough job.

That is all I ask for.

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