What does it really mean to develop and grow as an individual? What can I do to change and be a better man for my future? How does one take the necessary steps to achieving greatness/or enrichment in their life? When you look in the mirror who do you see? what do you see? how to do you envision the reflection(s)? What do you want to do with your life? What type of career do you want?
I have asked myself so many questions over my years and though I have found various answers, nothing seems to make sense to me in the end. There are many ways to answer my array of questions, but whether I find the answer(s) satisfactory or not is always a hit or miss.
When laying in my bed I think to myself, “why am I like this? what can I do to change my life around? to achieve my goals.” and of course the answer is simple. I need to secure job, get back into college, earn my degree and I can take it from there.
I know my general path and I see the obstacles that lay scattered about my dirt road, but for some reason I can’t seem to clear them or rather – take my first step to clearing them. I stand still staring ahead waiting for them to either clear themselves away or for someone to do it for me.
I think to myself, “these problems would simply be whisked away if I allow myself to follow another.” this is not wrong or right, but rather which is preferred. As I continue to stand there I create a conflict within my own mind on how to approach my desires and my goals. It hurts.
Hurts because I know what I must do. Grasping firmly to the future I wish for seems so easy in my mind, but the moment I try to execute my plan it all falls apart before even one step could be taken. Feeling that fear rattle my core – I stand still once again too shaken to move a muscle or rather to cowardly to push pass my own anxiety and fear of pain.
So what does it mean to live for myself? to create a future of my own design?
There are so many answers, so many ways one can handle the issues, but I stand alone, twiddling my thumbs hoping for guidance on matters that are unknown to anyone and everyone.
In truth… I know my answers or at least I pretend I do. The course laid before me is one that has long awaited my time to travel it. The obstacles that lay scattered ahead are of my own creation. some of course are there due to my birth, but rest are what I make of them.
Continue to allow something to be difficult and it will remain so, but train in body, mind and spirit and a wall that was once so tall and made of metal will crumble with the slightest of breezes. This is what I believe, but all things are easier said than done and this I know all to well.
Yet, I remain ever so hopeful of the day when I finally start to accept the pains of my choices. Accept that no one can save me, but me and that life is what I alone make of it.