A little bit of thinking

I feel it within my soul, that life is more than what I am now.

The people around me are but small stepping stones to a bigger and brighter future for myself.

It hurts, you know? struggling each day just to make ends meet, not being able to attend college because I cannot find a job, and no matter what I go through the people closest to me only ever complain and add to my stress.

I do recognize it’s my own fault though. The people around me are only acting on their own feelings and life, so who am I to blame them or get angry. This is why I just end up end up being a push over with no plan B or C.

When it comes down to it, I put myself into a hole and I’ve only been making it deeper. The bad decisions I make, letting others push me around, never making choices for myself, and following people whom I should have left alone years ago. Before I could even realize it, I got so deep I could not see the top anymore.

I have no right to blame other people because folks will act on their feelings and an opportunity, so it was up to me to deter them and keep myself on the right path, but I failed. Now here I am nary seven years later suffering from all my mistakes and regretting them.

Waking up next to a person who is just as hopeless as me, has been hurting me. All she does is belittle me and never has anything nice to say. This is not good for either of us.

It’s both our fault for continuing a relationship that should have ended over six years ago and I plan making that correction in a few months.

We are not good for one another, because while she blames me for everything, I blame myself because I should have walked away and stayed away. I will always love her to some degree, but we need to separate and get back on track.

I let her do what she wanted, when she wanted, and that kept me out of school while throwing me into debt I should have never incurred.

Instead of trying to explain the emotional and mental drain this put on me, it’s better to just leave and forget.

Overall, I learned a lot about myself and I cannot wait to put all the information I gained to use.

Defining what “being a man” means to me, not letting folks walk over me, or handing over my steering wheel to others. I need to take charge of my own life and stop leaning on others. I should never be expecting things from others because the only person I can trust 100% is myself.

I do not have a Goddess from the divine world who shows me the way.

All I have are my own two feet that will walk me in the right direction.

Two hands that will grab hold of my future.

And a brain that has dreams burning brighter than the sun itself.

I may not be unique, have a plethora of skills and connections, or even a basic understanding of what I want to do for a living.

But even with all that and more, I know for certain I will discover it bit by bit.

Sooner or later I’ll meet people with similar goals as myself, I’ll make connections, gain the skills I want and more, as well as, find myself.

It is about time I started achieving my goals.

Japan is waiting for me and I believe I kept it waiting long enough.

Sometimes you just have to jump right in and take chance.

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